On The Ball

A series of weekly satirical reports delving into the world of sport. Any resemblance to real life characters or incidents is utterly deliberate, but should not be taken seriously as this blog is merely an attempt to look at the agony and ecstasy of sport in a humorous vein.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

And The Klinsmann Award Goes To...

We all know that at this World Cup a new award was instituted in the form of the Gillette Best Young Player Award, and the award's first ever recipient was Lukas Podolski of Germany. However, what many people don't realise is that there is another award at this tournament that is making its World Cup appearance for the first time in recorded history- the Klinsmann Award for Excellence in Diving, named after Podolski's national team coach Juergen Klinsmann. A world renowned diver, probably the best among all footballers to have graced the sport of football, Klinsi made the Beautiful Game even more beautiful with his graceful diving skills. And at this tournament, he has been chosen to hand over the trophy named after him to its rightful recipient, decided upon after not-so-extensive polling within the football community. And in today's article, this correspondent receives the honour of announcing the name of the first ever Klinsmann Awardee.
But first the nominees. And they are:

1) Marc van Bommel (Holland)- Words can't describe the tremendous ability of the Barcelona hardman to fall to the ground in a crumpled heap of skin and bones. The Dutchman has taken the art to a level not seen since Klinsmann's retirement. Rumour has it that MvB has 2 things on his agenda after he retires from football: to win an Olympic Gold in Diving, and then to start his own Football Diving School. A truly noble gesture from the man, an attempt to pass on his knowledge to others. [For further details about this diving school, please watch the documentary by clicking here ]

2) Fabio Grosso (Italy)- The Italian leftback has become a star at this tournament with his phenomenal twisting bursts down the left wing that helped take Italia to the trophy and Grosso to a dream move to Internazionale. It was one such run that helped win Italy win a crucial penalty against Australia in the final minute of the match to enter the quarterfinals, when Grosso twisted past Lucas Neill and then threw himself dramatically over the outstretched legs of the Aussie defender, making it look like Neill caught him with his raised elbow. It was truly poetry in motion to watch Grosso go down the way he did. And the subtlety in the dive was unmatched for the rest of the tournament, partly because the peerless Grosso decided not to go to ground after that, much to the disappointment of diving enthusiasts around the world.

3) Michael Ballack (Germany)- The German skipper did not go to ground as gracefully as Grosso or as consistently as van Bommel or Cristiano Ronaldo, but he will be remembered for his fantastic acting in the semifinal when he and Vincenzo Iaquinta clattered into each other with Ballack landing on Iaquinta's head and shoulders (Dandruff, anyone?), and then mysteriously grabbed his face as though someone had just ripped off the skin on his visage. Whether or not he wins the Klinsi, Ballack can take pride for he has since been nominated for an Emmy.

4) Thierry Henry (France)- Another one who may go unrewarded for not going down often enough, the scowling Frenchman earned this nomination after he wowed experts by going down clutching his face in agony after having his shirt pulled. However, it is feared that his contribution in winning the penalty for anticipating where and how to run into Carvalho to win the penalty in the semis may be cancelled out by his inability to dive in the final, and he may lose out on the award for not being able to perform at his highest diving levels in the final when it mattered most.

5) Cristiano Ronaldo (Portugal)- 'Twinkle toes' has reached new depths in diving at this tournament, adding to his graceful style while on his feet by increasing his consistency in falling off them. So much so that referees now refuse to award Ronny free kicks even when he has been fouled. A referee survey recently found that to award a free kick to Ronaldo requires that he be clearly beaten up and badly bruised by a minimum of seven opposition players while an eighth player drives a knife into his abdomen. Ronny will be proud to learn that his efforts have been acknowledged by the men who truly matter, the ones in the middle.

And now, the moment everyone has been waiting for.
The first ever Klinsmann Award for Diving Excellence (drumroll, please) goes to...

MARC VAN BOMMEL OF HOLLAND!!!!!!!!!

The Dutchman has been rewarded for his great contributions to the art of football diving. However, it was a stiff competition, with Cristiano Ronaldo losing out on his second major award in a week, for the jury felt it was no good handing out an award to a player who will be shot by an MI6 sniper within the next 2 months (Oh dear, I've said too much. Must leave now before they get here! Too late! NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please don't kill m...)

[Sorry for the delay... been having some unfortunate internet problems. Those in Delhi will know what I mean when I say "May Spectranet operators rot in hell..."
Anyway, keep coming back, for in my next post, we will give you the inside scoop on a new school for the refs...
See ya later!]

Saturday, July 08, 2006

World Cuppers At The Olympics

Sure, we know that professional footballers are great athletes. But would they stack up well competing at the Olympics in other disciplines? This correspondent has put together a dream group of footballers at this World Cup who are sure to excel in another sport at the Olympics if given the chance. And this multitalented bunch of footballing superstars is:

1) Diving- Marc van Bommel (Holland)- The Sinking Dutchman has impressed many over the years with his ability to go down under the softest of challenges in a graceful, artistic manner. He proved his calibre at the very start of the tournament, when he went down in a first round match in a fabulous flowing motion, showing that he is truly peerless when it comes to this footballing art. In the process, van Bommel became the first footballer since current German coach Juergen Klinsmann to achieve a perfect score in diving. He is also among the frontrunners for the upcoming Klinsmann Award in Diving Excellence (more on that tomorrow). He is now clearly a frontrunner for the Olympics! Alexandre Despatie, watch your back, for MvB is coming up right behind you!

2) Synchronised Swimming- entire Ghanaian defence- Against Brazil, all the members of the Ghanaian backline appeared to be working in perfect unison as they successfully messed up their offside trap on no less than four different occasions, three of which resulted in Brazilian goals. They also seemed magically capable of ignoring the very same Brazilian players time after time, without even having to communicate the message to the other Ghanaians around to do the same. We can be certain that with their heightened ability to communicate through ESP, they are sureshot Gold Medal winners in Synchronised Swimming at the Olympic Games.

3) Boxing- Adriano (Brazil)- Not quite at this World Cup, but we saw Adriano try his hand at this sport a couple of seasons ago, when, in a match for Internazionale, he attempted a left hand upper cut on an opponent and pulled off the manouevre with flawless technique. What's more, the opponent was nothing more than half-conscious for a few seconds. We are certain that with a little more training, our favourite Brazilian pugilist will be a knockout sensation at Beijing 2008!

4) 400 Metre Sprint- Franck Ribery (France)- This new sensation can claim to be responsible for one of France's moments of the tournament when he ran through on the Spanish goal before rounding 'keeper Iker Casillas and scoring. What was even more amazing, however, was his celebration which involved a lungbursting run all over the football pitch. We suspect he could be game for another variety of the same lap come Beijing...

5) Gymnastics- Francesco Totti (Italy)- Still not quite comfortable enough on his feet following a 4 month injury layoff, the Roma captain showed that he was capable of magic with his back as well in the semifinal against Germany. When Michael Ballack crouched, Totti gracefully leapt into the air, and managed a delightful little roll over the German skipper's back using his own. We figure that if he can do so well using a human back, he is capable of much more with proper gymnastics equipment,

6) Archery- Frank Lampard (England)- Well, we figure eventually he's got to manage to get something on target, so...

7) Exhibition Event (Karate Skills)- Luis Figo (Portugal)- In a match against Holland, the Portuguese skipper headbutted an opponent with seemingly incredible force that caused the player to crumple to the ground in agony. Surely Figo could also do that to a few wooden planks and bricks, right? Well, there is a slight possibility there may not have been as much force in the move as the opponent made it out to be. After all, the player headbutted was Marc van Bommel...


Elsewhere, retired Brazilian legends Pele and Socrates decided to come out of retirement and play again for a country that sorely disapponted at this year's World Cup. In the words of the otherwise diplomatic Socrates, "Our grandmas could play better than these pieces of s***. Plus, so many older players are doing well nowadays like Zidane. Maybe we could also manage fine." Not to be outdone, a relative of the late footballing legend Garrincha said that Garrincha's spirit would also come and play for Brazil, and he offered a similar explanation to Socrates'.

In other sports, the Wimbledon Championships are coming to an end this weekend, and Roger Federer faces off against the player who has a jinx on him, Spaniard Rafael Nadal. Although this is the pair's first encounter on grass, Federer's domain, the Swiss World Number One is not willing to take any chances, given his opponent's seemingly unshakable ability to beat Federer. The reigning Wimbledon champ said, "I will ask my friend Juliette to pay him a 'visit' before the match." (For more information about Juliette, please click here)
McLaren driver Kimi Raikkonen later expressed interest in having Juliette pay a similar 'visit' to Juan Pablo Montoya, Michael Schumacher and Fernando Alonso.

[Yayyyy!!! The World Cup final is here at last!
For those who didn't realise it, wherever there is a link, please understand that you are supposed to CLICK ON IT!!!
And for those who spotted it, I mentioned in the Diving section that my next report would be tomorrow. That's right- after an extensive polling over the last one week, vote tallies showed that there was a majority in favour of posting that needn't be restricted to every Saturday- by a slim majority of half a vote to none. For those who don't know how that works, it is just that the only vote that come was by someone who had misunderstood the voting message, but later clarified the case.
Well, that's it then. Come in tomorrow!]