Lampard To Fight UFOs

In Baden Baden, Germany today, the Struggle against UFO Campaigns and Killings (SUCK) announced that it had signed England and Chelsea midfielder Frank Lampard as its latest not-exactly-goodwill ambassador. The organization has as its aim to strive tirelessly to destroy UFOs and alien beings that come to our planet, whatever be the cause of the visit. Most organizations such as the CIA, FBI, MI6, etc are ill-equipped to cope with the threat of UFOs as they don't possess weapons that can reach the elevation of overhead UFOs. SUCK, however, has acquired great proficiency in spotting individuals capable of sending projectiles upto such heights, Lampard being the latest big name signing for the organization.
Lampard has endured a torrid period at the 2006 FIFA World Cup so far, failing to score a single goal inspite of having had the most shots by any player in the tournament. It is estimated that he has had thrice as many shots striking down aeroplanes flying overhead, as those that have gone within even a 3 yard distance of the goalmouth. While Lampard could take solace in the fact that things can't possibly get worse from here, this remarkable statistic has attracted the attention of SUCK officials (referred to as SUCKers), who have spotted the potential of such shooting to bring down alien spaceships.
This could be quite a coup for Lampard, who has joined past greats such as Ade Akinbiyi, David Beckham (he had to be replaced, however, when his disastrous abilities at taking penalties were ended by Lampard who took up the same responsibility) and Eric Djemba-Djemba. There have also been sportspersons from other fields as well, such as Anna Kournikova for her tremendous ability to mishit any shot straight out of the tennis court.
At the press conference where Lampard was officially pronounced a SUCKer, there was a memorable speech by the most powerful of all SUCKers, also known as the Chief SUCKer, Roman Abrahamovich, who coincidentally happens to own Lampard's club Chelsea. Abrahamovich said, "On behalf of all SUCKers in the world, I would like to officially welcome Frank Lampard to the community today. We always knew you were a true SUCKer, and today we have been proved right."

Elsewhere, referee Valentin Ivanov said that he had been watching the Oprah Winfrey show shortly before the match between Portugal and the Netherlands, in which he handed out a mammoth 16 yellow cards and 4 red ones to boot. Apparently this helps explain why Ivanov kept exclaiming during the match, "You get a card! YOU get a card! Everybody gets a card!"


[Hi again!
I find that having weekly posts only serves to ensure that even the ones who enjoyed the blog fail to remember to come back the following Saturday to check up on the blog. Hence, to those who wouldn't mind commenting (doesn't matter if you ain't a Blogspot member, you can still do it anonymously if you wish), please do respond to this post and tell me whether or not I should scratch the whole weekly post thing, and just do something when there is a worthwhile sporting event to write about (and mock, of course!).
And for those who didn't understand the Oprah Winfrey thing, nothing to be ashamed about, it just means you are a natural guy who doesn't watch Oprah. So here's a link to explain it to you.

http://imnotonetoblogbut.blogspot.com/2004/09/everybody-gets-car.html

Ok that's it, after a week I will tally the votes about the weekly thing and let you know in my next post. Thanks a lot!]

De Rossi Stupidity Not A Mistake: FIGC

Another week has gone by at the 18th FIFA World Cup, and there have been many more memorable matches. Not the least of which was the encounter between highly fancied Italy and the struggling USA, an eventful 1-1 draw that saw both goals being scored by Italians and the over dominant referee handing out three red cards. Yes, that's right- THREE. One of those went to Italian hardman Daniele de Rossi for a senseless elbow to the face of an American player.
It now appears, though, that there is more to this incident than meets the eye. At a press conference organized by the Italian Football Federation (FIGC), a spokesperson said that the incident was a deliberate ploy.
The spokesperson said, "De Rossi's actions were utterly deliberate, not childish stupidity as assumed. In major international competitions over the last few years, the Italians have suffered due to rash suspensions at the wrong time. Hence, this time we decided to use up our token act of stupidity in the group stage itself, to avoid paying a high price in the knockout matches. We also believe the incident will give the young man a great deal of confidence, for with this act he has emulated idols such as Francesco Totti."
This comes two years after De Rossi's Roma skipper Francesco Totti was suspended at Euro 2004 for spitting at an opponent. The same player was crucially sent off in controversial circumstances when the Italians were knocked out by South Korea at the 2002 World Cup. At Euro 2000, Gianluca Zambrotta missed the final after getting sent off for two lunges on Boudewijn Zenden in the semifinal against Holland. De Rossi's incident is just another in this historic list for the Azurri, and young Daniele will surely shed a tear reading this, proud that he can now be mentioned in the same breath as illustrious compatriots like Totti.
The spokesperson continued, "Given our recent history, we believe that by being rid of this burden- of having to commit one act of gross stupidity in the tournament- quite early on, we are enabling our team to justify its potential in the knockout stages, when it really matters."
The team has since qualified for the second round comfortably, and is unbeaten since master tactician Marcello Lippi took over two years ago. Their confidence is high, and the team looks set to go far. And now, with this move, Italy can play freely without fear of any traditional stupidity.
This is a bold move from Lippi, a tactic that may succeed or one that may fail terribly. At the moment, however, we can only applaud the man for this baffling tactic which has now left his team as even stronger contenders for the cup.
Elsewhere, Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger appeared in court as the prosecution's star witness in an apparently obvious hit and run case. Against the odds, however, the case was dismissed, after Wenger's repeated refrains of "I zees not zee any incizent."

[I must apologise to the Azurri faithful for mocking the Italians in this post. Let me assure you, I intend nothing other than a little humour, and I too am cheering the Italians on in this World Cup. For me, the only good thing to come out of this unfortunate incident was that Gattuso got his rightful place in the Italian starting lineup.
As for the rest, I am not entirely sure this post is as good as its conceptions was, but I have nevertheless given my best, and would like to thank my friend Nabankur for his comments regarding the post.
As usual, comments are invited, and if you are not a Blogspot member, please feel free to comment anonymously.]

World Cup Fever: WHO Alert

The World Health Organization (WHO) has warned the whole world about a new disease that has swept almost the entire world, called World Cup Fever. Americans are the only ones who needn't worry about this ailment- it only affects people with good taste and common sense.
This highly infectious disease has already been declared a pandemic of epic proportions, and also goes by the codename 'Germany 2006.'
There are many deadly forms of this disease, some more painful than others. The most common ones are listed below:

1) Peter Crouch syndrome- this variation of WCF afflicts tall and lanky people, and causes them to look perpetually dazed and perplexed.
2) Ronaldo fever- also called the 'Statue Syndrome,' this disease causes people to swell up completely, until they reach the point that they have to stand around incapable of any form of motion. This can also lead to hallucinations of headaches and dizziness.
3) Sore Loser Syndrome (SLS)- also termed the 'Henry Syndrome,' this leads to incessant babbling about being affected by hot grass, Russian referees, and people by the name of Ribery. It can also lead to attempts to get rid of people going by the name of Trezeguet.
4) Long Ball disease- caused by the 'Eriksson virus' this ailment is actually considered beneficial as it helped restore sleep to many insomniacs.
5) Ronaldinho Syndrome- doctors believe this disease causes laughing gas (Nitrous oxide) to be formed in the body, hence affecting the patient and causing to laugh uncontrollably throughout the day. Anaesthetics, Catalans and Brazilians are the only people who are positively affected by this syndrome (Anaesthetics don't need laughing gas to operate on such a patient). Others are also affected by this infectious disease that causes people to smile. Defenders, however, tend to suffer heart attacks and suicidal tendencies also arise, on being exposed to this virus.

Many more variations are there, but these are the most prevalent ones. The good news, says a WHO spokesperson, is that WCF will affect the general public only until July 9, after that it will only affect its sources.
In other news, British Prime Minister Tony Blair has announced a historic first. Great Britain has become the first nation to have a National Injury, which is, in this case, The Metatarsal Injury. At the first National Injury Day, the likes of David Beckham, Gary Neville and Wayne Rooney will be honoured for their contributions in making this injury popular.
Elsewhere, after criticism of his decision to allow Japan's goal against Australia at the World Cup after two Japanese players clearly wrestled Australian goalkeeper Mark Schwarzer to the ground, the referee said that he felt the incident paled in comparison to his training in the Egyptian Air Force. 15 minutes later, Mike Tyson, in a bid to find gainful employment and get out of bankruptcy, announced that he felt he had the right experience to be a soccer referee. 15 seconds later, Schwarzer had a minor heart attack. There is no concrete evidence yet that the three incidents are linked in any way.

[As you can make out, I am well and truly caught up in the World Cup fever (I am currently suffering from the Argentina syndrome, also called the '6-0 Shock'). Anyway, just thought I would mention that I am in desperate need of a decent 'logo' for 'On The Ball' because the above one was something I just created using Paint 5 minutes before the first post. If somebody can help me out with a logo similar (and yet infinitely better) to the one above, please do mail me. This is going to be a pretty common request in the weeks to come, so if you can help me...
Have a great week, and enjoy your sports!]

Bollettieri's Shocking Announcement

As I write this, we are in the midst of a truly momentous sporting weekend. Apart from the British Grand Prix and the start of a little something called the FIFA World Cup Finals (!), the news has been dominated by the French Open, where the Men's Final will be contested, as expected, by Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal, and the Women's Final by Justine Henin-Hardenne and Svetlana Kuznetsova. The limelight, however, has been stolen by seventeen year old Nicole Vaidisova, a product of the Nick Bollettieri Academy, who knocked out reigning Wimbledon champion Venus Williams and current World Number One Amelie Mauresmo before succumbing to Kuznetsova in the semifinal.
This performance has astonished the sporting world. Most are shocked at the Czech teenager's maturity on court, whereas some who who have followed her career since 2004, such as this correspondent, are bewildered as to why it took her so long to display her potential at a Grand Slam.
The real shock, however, came from Nick Bollettieri's latest announcement. Buoyed by his students' remarkable success rates at ever younger ages, as demonstrated by Miss Vaidisova, he has now announced that the Academy will take things one step further by starting advanced training for toddlers. Bollettieri claims that this ambitious move could lead to eight year olds winning Grand Slam titles by 2015.
The announcement has evoked a mixed response. Groups that are for the rights of children have stated that they will oppose this move, as it amounts to exploitation of children. In contrast, the proposal has received the backing of the ATP, the WTA, and various marketing agencies. They believe this could attract more youth to the sport. The move has also received support from unexpected quarters. A reclusive Peter Pan-like popstar has praised the plan, saying he would like to see more young children in the game.
Elsewhere, FIFA has announced a parallel world championships for the numerous players who are missing the World Cup Finals through injury or are still recovering. The tournament has already got the votes of stars such as Wayne Rooney, Francesco Totti, and Andriy Shevchenko.


[Welcome to On The Ball, a series of weekly reports presenting aspects of the sporting world in a lighter vein. In my first post, I haven't taken many risks and mostly stated plain facts, but with slight twists (no such announcement from Nick, obviously. No parallel tournament either- that was just a dig at the number of stars injured coming into these World Cup finals). As the series goes on, you shall see me getting a bit more adventurous and sometimes downright rude, especially when it comes to my favourite whipping boys Chelsea and Arsenal. Now that the intro to the series is done, that's it for my first day on the job! Come back again!]